How to Have a Happy Marriage (or not)
Those of you who know me well probably rolled your eyes as soon as you saw the title. As I keep telling you, my past is more about how NOT to be a Christian. I am still working hard at how to BE one.
In Ephesians 4:2-3 men get some basic instructions on marriage.
For husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.
All well and good. He should love you enough to die for you. Nothing in there about dishes or toilets.
1 Peter 3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives."
I am not going to be bossed around!
Hold up. Read the whole verse. This isn't about being bossed around. It is about showing your husband the same love you get from Jesus so he can see what it is about. Witnessing through action.
There are some others that tell the expectations of a wife. Titus 2:4-5 and Timothy 3:11. Nothing too outrageous there. Just instructions to stay busy at home, train your daughters to be good wives, be kind, be worthy of respect, don't gossip, be trustworthy. Oh and be subject to your husband...wait that's not the end of the verse...so that no one will malign the word of God. So not a slave to your husband but being guided by a godly man who has studied the word. Don't you sometimes have conversations with your husband about work or home situations and how you could handle them?
I will be honest here - of course I would rather not be.! Sometimes honesty can be embarrassing. I have been married five times. It might be four times, it just depends on how you do math.
I married the first time at 22. I thought I was going to be an old maid. About six months after we were married I found out he already had a wife. I found out when the divorce papers came in the mail, dated well after the date of our marriage. He told me to just shut up and no one would ever know. Very funny. I have never kept my mouth shut in my life! I told my maid of honor, my mother, my psychologist and my OB-GYN and that was just the first day.
They made all the arrangements with the minister for a quickie remarriage in his office. We were married for 13 rocky years that ended in divorce and later his suicide.
I was married 9 years the next time and about a year the time after that - which was 364 days too long. I am now in what I believe is my final forever and ever marriage.
Now, I could go on and on about everything THEY did wrong. Or I could tell you the truth.
I was afraid you would pick the truth. Here it is. I was not living a Christian life when I chose my mate the first time. I mistook lust for love. My maturity level was not even at a point that I could understand love, receive it or return it. I was very childish and demanding. Not giving at all.
The next time I begged God like a toddler in a toy shop. Just let me have this one thing... Remember that adage to be careful what you ask for? I prayed for what I wanted, but not for what God wanted for me. Life in this marriage was so difficult. For 8 years I prayed for guidance on how to be a better wife so that he would not get mad again. The last year I asked to be shown what to do for the safety of my family. An escape hatch was provided by the offer of an out of state job.
I was alone for a long time, oh I had dates and boyfriends and alcohol. I was so lonely that I impulsively married someone I barely knew. The more I got to know him...the worse it was.
I vowed I was finished. I had given up finding a church, but I decided to revisit some and try harder to find a fit. I ended up at a very large one that I had felt overwhelmed at initially but I found a niche volunteering with the homeless program. I had already been working sporadically at the soup kitchen as my work schedule allowed. I got to know a few ladies, started going to a small bible study and gradually started taking part in other activities.
I was acquainted with my now husband. He was a patient at the hospital I worked at, he had loaned me a trailer when I had to move, and once when my car was broken down he gave me a ride to the shop to get it. Our first dates were going to the church Christmas choral and tea, watching football at the American Legion and eating free chili, playing cards, doing laundry, going out to eat with other couples. We went to premarriage counseling even though neither of us felt we were quite ready for that. We BOTH prayed a lot about the situation.
For the first time I didn't care about ALWAYS getting my way. If he wanted to sit in minus 1 degree weather at the Vikings game, then I would put heaters in my boots and gloves and go also. If he wanted me to be outside (bugs and heat, yuck) on my day off helping him side the house I did. Although I probably did complain. He gives me my way 99.5% of the time, but when I need called on the carpet for something he is always kind but firm.
The bible tells us how love works. The key is you have to pick up the book and read it.
Ecclesiastes 4:9
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Proverbs 3:3-4 (I love this one)
Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
I think many of you will have the next one memorized but it is beautiful. Our friend Gordon suggested we read it together every day. It is the 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians. I will quote only a couple of verses here, but do look it up.
Beginning with verse 4
In Ephesians 4:2-3 men get some basic instructions on marriage.
For husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her.
All well and good. He should love you enough to die for you. Nothing in there about dishes or toilets.
1 Peter 3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives."
I am not going to be bossed around!
Hold up. Read the whole verse. This isn't about being bossed around. It is about showing your husband the same love you get from Jesus so he can see what it is about. Witnessing through action.
There are some others that tell the expectations of a wife. Titus 2:4-5 and Timothy 3:11. Nothing too outrageous there. Just instructions to stay busy at home, train your daughters to be good wives, be kind, be worthy of respect, don't gossip, be trustworthy. Oh and be subject to your husband...wait that's not the end of the verse...so that no one will malign the word of God. So not a slave to your husband but being guided by a godly man who has studied the word. Don't you sometimes have conversations with your husband about work or home situations and how you could handle them?
I will be honest here - of course I would rather not be.! Sometimes honesty can be embarrassing. I have been married five times. It might be four times, it just depends on how you do math.
I married the first time at 22. I thought I was going to be an old maid. About six months after we were married I found out he already had a wife. I found out when the divorce papers came in the mail, dated well after the date of our marriage. He told me to just shut up and no one would ever know. Very funny. I have never kept my mouth shut in my life! I told my maid of honor, my mother, my psychologist and my OB-GYN and that was just the first day.
They made all the arrangements with the minister for a quickie remarriage in his office. We were married for 13 rocky years that ended in divorce and later his suicide.
I was married 9 years the next time and about a year the time after that - which was 364 days too long. I am now in what I believe is my final forever and ever marriage.
Now, I could go on and on about everything THEY did wrong. Or I could tell you the truth.
I was afraid you would pick the truth. Here it is. I was not living a Christian life when I chose my mate the first time. I mistook lust for love. My maturity level was not even at a point that I could understand love, receive it or return it. I was very childish and demanding. Not giving at all.
The next time I begged God like a toddler in a toy shop. Just let me have this one thing... Remember that adage to be careful what you ask for? I prayed for what I wanted, but not for what God wanted for me. Life in this marriage was so difficult. For 8 years I prayed for guidance on how to be a better wife so that he would not get mad again. The last year I asked to be shown what to do for the safety of my family. An escape hatch was provided by the offer of an out of state job.
I was alone for a long time, oh I had dates and boyfriends and alcohol. I was so lonely that I impulsively married someone I barely knew. The more I got to know him...the worse it was.
I vowed I was finished. I had given up finding a church, but I decided to revisit some and try harder to find a fit. I ended up at a very large one that I had felt overwhelmed at initially but I found a niche volunteering with the homeless program. I had already been working sporadically at the soup kitchen as my work schedule allowed. I got to know a few ladies, started going to a small bible study and gradually started taking part in other activities.
I was acquainted with my now husband. He was a patient at the hospital I worked at, he had loaned me a trailer when I had to move, and once when my car was broken down he gave me a ride to the shop to get it. Our first dates were going to the church Christmas choral and tea, watching football at the American Legion and eating free chili, playing cards, doing laundry, going out to eat with other couples. We went to premarriage counseling even though neither of us felt we were quite ready for that. We BOTH prayed a lot about the situation.
For the first time I didn't care about ALWAYS getting my way. If he wanted to sit in minus 1 degree weather at the Vikings game, then I would put heaters in my boots and gloves and go also. If he wanted me to be outside (bugs and heat, yuck) on my day off helping him side the house I did. Although I probably did complain. He gives me my way 99.5% of the time, but when I need called on the carpet for something he is always kind but firm.
The bible tells us how love works. The key is you have to pick up the book and read it.
Ecclesiastes 4:9
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Proverbs 3:3-4 (I love this one)
Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
I think many of you will have the next one memorized but it is beautiful. Our friend Gordon suggested we read it together every day. It is the 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians. I will quote only a couple of verses here, but do look it up.
Beginning with verse 4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I am praying for you, as we journey together, and I pray especially for the unbelievers in our lives. Please pray especially for my spiritual growth and understanding.
I am adding a link to a blog that you might find helpful
https://www.christcenteredmama.com/5-things-husband-needs-hear-every-day/
I am adding a link to a blog that you might find helpful
https://www.christcenteredmama.com/5-things-husband-needs-hear-every-day/
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